The path that I'm walking
I must go alone
I must take the baby steps 'til I'm full grown, full grown
Fairytales don't always have a happy ending, do they?
And I foresee the dark ahead if I stay
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Thiang cldn't meet me for dinner, so here I am, home alone. I think I have somehow lost my ability to write proper, and I'm pretty upset over it. It's like the words don't flow as smoothly now, my thoughts are coming in, in bits and pieces. It's like my mind's all over the place, effort is actually needed to think systematically, effort is needed to put everything together, just to blog a simple piece. That sucks, big time.
I was thinking, when people are really desperate, they would think up of every single reason available to make themselves feel better. Every single action, big or small would be taken as a lease of hope, as a path toward the light. You would also spend effort trying to think up of every single available excuse for the person, till you finally stop in your track and think, "Hey, is this logical?" Even when your mind tells you that nothing is going to come out of this, you're still desperately trying to find any handle bar around for support. You would be struggling to grab onto any ray of hope available. You won't listen to what anybody has to say, unless that person is telling you what you want to hear, what you want to believe, what you have been hoping and holding on for.
Are you running away from reality? Are you giving yourself false hope?
You need a wake-up call.
It's getting hard putting on a front. I'm happiest when I'm with scten. It's like being with them just cheers me up automatically and I forget about every single thing. Coming home is the tough part, where I have to behave as though nothing's affecting me. I have to continue being lame and stupid and speak in that cheery voice, when all I want to do is to sit in a corner alone.
Right now, I just want to bang away on my piano that I've deserted for ages, I want to immerse myself into a whole new world that reading never fails to bring me in. I want to keep running and running and running. I want to shout out loud. I want a punchbag. I want your rock solid wall to crash into, to punch, to scream and to cry.
What are you doing, and why? That's all I want to know.
I know that I have many friends out there who will be there whenever I need them. I know I have my family too. For this, I am thankful. Because I know that I'm loved. For the people that I'm constantly around, -looks at simeng, please tolerate my whinings for this moment, just for this moment.
My sister said this to me yesterday, "Even if no one else loves you, I'll love you." So sweet right, but I told her to fuck off, jokingly. Haha. Aww, I didn't mean it, you know it. I've never said this to your face, but I do love you too. You're like the best friend I'm forced to have, which reminds me that I have something to look forward to next week (: will be meeting Brian for lunch on sat (:
The budget's finally out today, I'm especially interested in it somehow. And Singapore WILL be the host city for the Youth Olympics in 2010. Singapore ftw! And Obama will be US's next President. Obama ftw!
.. And then I think back for what seems like the millionth time, if only time could stop for a moment then.
But then again, I'm left only with, "If only's."
And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket
But I've got to get a move on with my life
It's time to be a big girl now
And big girls don't cry
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