i spent the whole of today preparing stuff for farewell. i dont even know whether it's the right word t represent all that i'm doing. because as nick says, i dont wanna say goodbye. i have no faith that the friendship forged in cj would continue after everyone leaves. we all say stuff like, keep in touch, friends forever shit whenever we're on the verge of leaving somewhere. but has that ever really happened ? i no longer keep in touch with ANY of my primary school friends. and for st margaret's, just a couple. pretty sad.
i was reading one of the convers i had with jane, some time back. it was at the time where s7 was breaking up already. i still remember how fucked up i felt, how reluctant i was to leave. even though i know that no one will give a damn if i did. it reached the point whereby i'd feel fake in front of them, whereby i had t pretend that i was really happy when i was not. it sucked.
i walked away anyway, turning back and fighting the urge each time t walk back t them. today, if i say that i've totally gotten over them, i'd be lying t myself, and t them. i miss them, i miss the times we had. but i know that nothing will ever be the same again. i've slowly lost them. i dont talk t them anymore, excluding jia and dee. they're different. it's pretty sad how everything turned out this way. and we were still discussing how we'd meet up on the same day each year at the same place. even when we are old grandmothers. and how we will holiday tgh, how we'll be at each other's wedding.
you ask me now, i'd say it's bullshit.
so today, i've been avoiding all the outings that i'm called to. you may say that i'm contradicting myself. i miss them, but yet i refuse t go out with them. because the answer's simple. i dont want t be hurt again, i dont want t be in the middle of nowhere. i dont want t be confused and all upset again. i'm so afraid that i'd just want t walk back and just fall into that pit once again. and also because i know i won't belong. so many things have changed. i dont want t act as if i'm still on very good terms with them, i dont want t act as though i'm so happy in front of them. i dont want awkward relations, and i want t move on for good.
so perhaps when the day comes, when i know that i've totally gotten over everything, i'll just go out. so i'm sorry jia, for not going out and everything.
it's the first time i'm so open about talking on s7. partly because out of the seven people, only jia and dee knows my link. that's how bad it is. hah. but the rest dont care anyway.
it's bullshit when people say that the clique is too big t keep close. that's what we say as well. but i believe that as long as we want t keep everything going great tgh, nothing's impossible. it's evident from elizasoh's clique of FIFTEEN. and zhihua's clique of THIRTEEN(i think). and come on, we're only half their size. so it just shows that no one's bothered.
i'm not for one. because i dont want t be bothered anymore. i dont want t be tied down and not moving on because of you people, because of you people who just aint worth it, because of you people who just keep on inflicting hurt and pain.
i want t be happy, i want t be free. till that day comes, i guess.
leaving cj just reminds me of how everything would be like. please, i dont want history t repeat itself. but no, i'm not confident. i hate change. i hate moving on.
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