We can.

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cj people are love (: no matter how i am feeling, meeting them would just turn the corners of my lips up. thankyou (:

ck said this to me today, " you can pick yourself up, trust me." that got me started thinking about every single thing that has by far, never failed to put me down. be it my psle grades, my peers, my lovely form tutor etc.

i was thinking about my life this four years. and i could seriously imagine myself in this cell with degrading posters all around, such as "you're dumb", "you cant do this", "your sisters are way smarter than you". i have been allowing myself to live with such unhappiness this four years, i have locked myself up in this cage that no one, but myself has the key to. and as i picture myself sitting in this cell, going about my everyday life, i could see the people who care about me peering anxiously in, rapping on the small windows of the part of my life that i let people have access to, desperately gesturing for me to get out of the pathetic cell that i've imprisoned myself in.

then i wonder, how much have i missed out on, this four years, just how many people have trampled over me with my permission, since i think almost everyone has heard about the saying on " no one can make you feel inferior without your consent" by Eleanor Roosevelt. how much stress have i given myself.

this inferiority complex has been like, engraved in my everyday life. i think it has taken over my life, together with what people call the middle child syndrome. whatever i do, i think i'm not good enough. i look at the negative side of all comments, of all events. it's so tiring, isn't it.

i don't know how much of myself i've killed in this process, but i know there are many many people rooting for me. even if i cant find any means to stand up for myself again, i know i cant let these people down. it's going to be tough finding this key again, i seriously doubt whether i can even find it, but help me, will you? help me with my new found new year resolution.

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was with nick, ck and iris the entire afternoon. it felt good somewhat. but i always cant help remembering the times we all had in cj, the times we went to school together on that squeezy 105/153, the times at the grandstand, the times at the canteen and the list goes on. i told ck this, i said it always brings a smile onto my face whenever i think of cj. my heart seemingly feels lighter and warmer, yet if i feel again, there would be this nagging sense of pain, pain at the thought of everything not being able to materialise again, pain of knowing that there will only always be memories.

i am the kind that finds it very hard to let go and move on. i always reminisce, i refuse to tell myself that everything's over even if that fact is staring blatantly into my face. and i've just come to terms with it. maybe it's the hope that i will be secretly harbouring, on how everything will be the same again. or perhaps it's how i let myself bask into those memories and relieve those times, in a way of making up how i have already lost everything, in a way of allowing myself to feel that no, nothing has changed. and in other words, i have allowed myself to just run away from reality and hide in those memories, where everything was just so perfect, so happy, so wonderful.

but what's the point?

friendship is actually a very fragile thing. i'm pretty proud of haine (: it just proves that no other factor other than just pure faith makes up a friendship. nevermind the different schools, different hectic schedules. if we all have faith and we really want this to work out, it will, evidently.

i'm sorry if i have not been the best friend around, i'm sorry if i have not undertaken the responsibilites a friend should. i'm sorry you couldn't run to me or confide in me whenever you need to. but as many times as you may have heard this, i'll say it again. i'll be here, should you decide to talk to me.

i'm going to meet the new year soon. this time, i'll live my life without the phrase "i should have". by the time you realise something, it's already too late for regrets. easy talk again aint it. let's all try this together.

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on a sidenote, my dad has never encouraged me to have a blog. -frowns. he says then people will know my weakness. i think it's pretty obvious already, just dont hit the bullseye i guess. or alternatively, i can always have a private blog! heh.