i feel as though i've lost my ability to think, to reflect. and it's scaring me somewhat. like i've becomed one of the common janes you see along the street, like i've becomed one of the manymany shallow people with no opinions of their own, and just following the crowd.
it's like, i no longer have stuff that i'm curious about. i dont seek to find out new things, i dont question. its like i know everything, but i am fully aware that i dont.
its been a month plus in ac. so far so good, i still remember the first week, where i only knew qy daryl and simeng. but we still had fun. so now like i know more people, so its getting funner. haha. qy, be the guy i knew in the first week okay! and like i'm really thankful for daryl, he makes school days bearable through his nonsense, and like i'm alwaysl aughing. and for simeng! she's always there, whenever i need to go t the toilet, whenever i need someone to talk to, and when we see _____! haha.
i miss haine and all my other best friends! i decided to have multiple best friends! hahaha. learn from eliza one. partly why i was kinda down the entire week. ac's fine, but somehow i still dont feel bonded to the people, like there's this thread connecting us together. no offense meant t anyone in ac, but really. but maybe it's still like the beginning, where we're just getting used to everybody around us and slowly opening up. but like iris said, i really hope this invisible barrier can be broken.
i've been thinking about alot of things. like how many things happened along the way, such that its in this state today. we never learn how to apologise do we. we just pretend that nothing happened, and we just move on, never solving our differences, never apologising to each other. so when the next episode occurs, it just becomes worse. more things are being thrown, more expletives hurled. and then everything happens all over again.
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i'm tired of feeling inferior. i'm tired of being second best. maybe its the middle child syndrome thing. where we'll just strive to do our best because we feel that the whole world is looking down on us, and that we have to do something to make the world look up and be surprised. that we have to do so many things just to have you look at me for once, have you glowering at me with pride, have you talking to me like an equal. and not turn just to face your scowling face each time, and not to put up with your sarcastic but apparently unintentional remarks, and to apparently accept you for the way you are.
i'm tired of feeling like i haven done enough. maybe i haven, but dont i need encouragement all the more? you just never fail t make me feel like crap, feel like i've failed you in the most amount of possible ways. and like whatever i do is wrong, whatever i do, you have something to say about it.
do you know how much it hurts? i suppose not. but i know i've hurt you in many ways. i'm sorry, i really am. but what do you say whenever i say sorry. the reaction you had when i sprained my ankle, i dont know whether if you were hurting for me, or for your money. i apologised, cuz i felt really bad. and what did you say?
do you know how it feels when you felt like you've given your all, but it's still not good enough for you? but it's like i know, i'll never live up to your standards.
and you know what? i dont even want to try.
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huimin's happy today, just for that short period of time. and i know you were, also. (:
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cqy yup! lets work hard man. you stop coming online la! and cheer up! hahaha.
yao WHY CANNOT MISS YOU IS IT. i miss you like crap ! ): ): ): ! very long never talk t you alr !
brian EH YOU NOT ONLINE LA. MUST BE OUT DATING. HAHAHA. and you HAVEN EVEN TOLD ME HER NAME? so now you jobless alr la. hahaha. yay update yr blog frequently man. i think our tagboard is the only way we communicate. thankyou for being there (: (:
meng (: thank you for being thereee also ! hahaha (: you cheer up and dnt worry too much also !
iris we must block out all distractions! hahaah (: lets all do it. and not be haunted by our past failures! hahaha (: dont care and be mugger numberone and own the class !
camille hello! hahah (: oh yah, you two same og. hahaha. i did nothing la, thank what? hahaha. dont die ! you can do it also (: (:
al ayee. ty for being there through yr small tiny ways. THANKYOU FOR THE FRIENDSHIP BAND YOU TOOK TWO HRS TO MAKE! SO TOUCHED LA! (: (: (: ! i'll try, yo hapyhappy top sr okay ! (: see you soon !
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